Thursday, May 24, 2012

Feeling Lost, Finding Light

I woke up at 4am this morning to drop off Akhil at his friend's place (he's getting a ride with his team to the airport to go to Iowa for the Odyssey of the Mind worlds) and then I headed back home to catch up on my lost sleep. Instead I found myself becoming more and more awake. I started noticing the silence all around me, not a soul on the streets, a dense fog enveloping me, making it feel like I was floating on thin air, or rather thick air, floating on clouds, the distant lights like starships from other planets, the looming trees like gentle genies. I let myself be sucked into this magic, this mysterious, ethereal place, like I was not on the earthly plane. And then suddenly I realized I didn't know where I was. I had to focus to find the landmarks, to feel the shapes of the churches and cemeteries with my eyes, to figure out where I was. And then when I felt comfortable, I'd feel lost again. As disconcerted as this made me feel, I was getting used to it. I liked the awareness it was bringing to this moment. The early morning drive along the dark, back roads was a lucky recipe for pulling me out of everyday routine, mundane thoughts, my repetitive mind going over the same old silly worries, anxieties, and petty pleasures. I liked the feeling of being cocooned at the same time as being lost.

I thought if I could feel this in my daily life - feeling safe while I feel my way around the big questions, figuring out "who am I", "where am I", "where am I going", I would love to do this full time. Instead, I convince myself I'm trapped, nowhere to go, feeling pressured to perform, like a monkey on a leash - a short leash!

I will stretch my leash a bit this weekend though, when I get away on a solitary retreat - away from the world I feel trapped in. The hermitage in Cresco is calling me like one of those distant starships in the fog. I've been looking for an escape for a while now, and thanks to Akhil, I'm finally getting to look forward to some solitude, some soul-time, and some time to center myself. I've been going like a top at top-speed: spinning out of control, losing any contact with my center, on the verge of falling off, feeling lost. I'm hoping the trip to Cresco will help me find my light again, of the starship that will lead me home again, to finding myself again, to maybe even figure out a way to lose my leash entirely - I can hope!