Thursday, May 24, 2012
I thought if I could feel this in my daily life - feeling safe while I feel my way around the big questions, figuring out "who am I", "where am I", "where am I going", I would love to do this full time. Instead, I convince myself I'm trapped, nowhere to go, feeling pressured to perform, like a monkey on a leash - a short leash!
I will stretch my leash a bit this weekend though, when I get away on a solitary retreat - away from the world I feel trapped in. The hermitage in Cresco is calling me like one of those distant starships in the fog. I've been looking for an escape for a while now, and thanks to Akhil, I'm finally getting to look forward to some solitude, some soul-time, and some time to center myself. I've been going like a top at top-speed: spinning out of control, losing any contact with my center, on the verge of falling off, feeling lost. I'm hoping the trip to Cresco will help me find my light again, of the starship that will lead me home again, to finding myself again, to maybe even figure out a way to lose my leash entirely - I can hope!