Monday, January 28, 2013

It is so hard to see God's games while I'm stuck in my ego-self, trying to control the world around me. I know, the ego knows, that I can't control a thing or a person in this world, and yet I try. And fail. And then I get pissed off. I know it's the ego's fear of losing control that makes it/me so mad. But, oh, can't it just give up, rather than losing precious relationships, and present moments? Instead I dwell on the "problem", prod it, peel it open, pare it down, tear it apart - why didn't Akhil wear his good shoes? Why is he wearing those silly moccasins for the one interview where he wants to impress? Why doesn't he understand that moccasins are bedroom shoes in adults' eyes? He doesn't have to make a style statement with the Director of Admissions - he just needs to show his confidence, interest, and his grades. He says a scholarship doesn't hinge on what kind of shoes he wears to an interview. But in reality it does. I know it, and he doesn't. I want him to learn from my experience, but he thinks he knows it all. So be it.

What I don't understand is why can't I give in, let him make his mistakes, learn from his own experiences, form his own impressions? That's the message I preach, so why can't I practice it? I know that I'm simply a conduit for bringing this child into this world - I agree with Gibran, his thoughts are not my thoughts; and yet I'm trying to impress upon him my thoughts, my experiences, my lessons.

The first thing I prayed this morning was to allow the world of potential and possibility, to choose to enter into the portals of positivity. And yet, the first thing that doesn't go my way, I start breathing hard, scowl, and try to explain why my way is the better way. On the inside, I know that my way, or his way, or any other way, doesn't really matter - what matters is only the intention behind it. Unfortunately, my intention with Akhil was of control.

So I take a step back, give up control, give into the moment, and allow whatever happens to happen; agree that it's all perfect the way it is; recognize that if I step back and allow, God will play His hand. I had already told myself that Akhil will ultimately go to the school that he's meant to go to, and that I or he shouldn't wish too hard for a specific outcome, but to accept whatever outcome happens to be awarded to him. What shoes he wears should be the least of my concerns. My concern should only be to reiterate to myself what an amazing son he is, and that it is indeed my blessing to bring him into this world.

I drove Akhil to the school, he met with the Director for a private interview while I waited outside in the reception area, and then when it was over, the Director came over to me to say what a wonderful young man Akhil was, that she was very impressed with his achievements and accomplishments, but more importantly, with his attitude and maturity. I thanked her for the kind words and the interview, shook her hand, and turned around to leave. And then from the tip of my eye, saw her shoes - she was wearing pink, glittery moccasins!

On Children
(by Kahlil Gibran)

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

This article has been graciously published by I AM POSITIVE (Thank you!)