Pull of Polarities

Here comes that old restlessness again - I seem to be always struggling to find my balance between the highs and lows, between wanting something and pushing it away, between wanting to feel a connection and wanting solitude, between wanting lessons to learn from and not wanting pain; and as always not being able to distinguish what's coming from the ego versus what's coming from the soul. Or maybe it's truer to say I can distinguish them but I don't want to acknowledge it. I want to give in to the temptations that my ego is pulling me to, even though I know in the back of my mind that once I give in, it will turn sour - and then the same battle starts all over again - it's the endless tug of war between temptation and truth, desires and renunciation, conscience and consciousness, waking up versus staying asleep. The funny thing is I know what I need to do, but the pull of the sleepy, ignorant, Tamasic side is so strong that it's hard to resist. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41). It's easier to give in, to stay asleep, to stay ignorant.

 

I was pleased then, to stumble into an Eckhart Tolle link that my sister forwarded, and it was a good refresher course for me, of how he explains this now-familiar state of discontent, unhappiness, the sense of insufficiency. He doesn't mince any words in saying that these arise from the ego (of course I knew that but didn't want to acknowledge it): "when the ego singles something out and says "I love" this or that, it's an unconscious attempt to cover up or remove the deep seated feelings that always accompany the ego... for a little while, the illusion actually works. Then inevitably, at some point, the person (or thing) you singled out, fails to function as a cover up for your pain, hate, discontent or unhappiness... and it gets projected onto that person (or thing)... suddenly love turns to hate... the ego doesn't realize that the pain and the hatred is the universal feeling of not being connected with the deeper level of your being - not being at one with yourself... only surrender can give you what you're looking for... the moment you accept completely what is, something inside you emerges... an innate, indwelling, peace, stillness, aliveness... it is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself."

Funny how everything comes back to me, if only I'd let it. When I let go of my self, my center, and give importance to the peripherals - the desires - of wanting - a place, a person, a thing, a possession, a feeling, a thought - the peripherals get all the attention and the self gets lost, goes back to sleep. It continues to be a tug of polarities, however uncomfortable it may be, that seems to be unavoidable. In Tolle's words, "the entire phenomenal universe exists because of the tension between the opposites. Hot and cold, growth and decay, gain and loss, success and failure, the polarities that are part of existence... however, you can transcend polarities through surrender. The polarities themselves cannot be removed... but the whole universe becomes more benevolent, not threatening... the opposites continue to happen... but your lack of reaction means that the polarities are not fueled... they begin to dissolve... living in that way is the beginning of the end of the world."

I woke up this morning remembering bits of dreams - one was of a round rock, the size of a canteloupe, and the other was of a white feather. I think the rock and the feather are a perfect symbolization of polarities - solid versus light, commitment versus freedom, unyielding versus flying with the wind, laying a foundation versus letting go. As disconnected as the dream was, it's a perfect representation of the state of my mind right now. At the time that I woke up I was wondering what they meant, but as always, writing out my disconnected thoughts seems to connect me to some source that makes sense out of all the disjointed pieces. I even seem to have found a solution to my struggle between soul and ego - SURRENDER to what is. But as far as being able to surender, I'm not so sure I have the strength to surrender. Or rather, my ego is too strong to surrender. Identifying the solution is only half the battle; the real victory is not until I'm able to follow through with the solution, to persuade my ego to accept what is, unconditionally.