I must say - as a hobby, watching my mind can get obsessive, but I'm not sure if I have a choice. Once in a while I lose track of it - I can't tell if I'm watching my mind, or just following its meaningless meandering.
I woke up at 4:30am this morning, when I heard Jazzy opening the door that I thought was closed quite tight. I let her out and then noticing that it's nicer outside than inside, I brought out my mat and slipped out myself. I did some yoga in the cool dawn air, everything all around me still dark, the birds still not awake, only the crickets chirping away ceaselessly. After yoga, I sat for a while trying to meditate, counting my breaths, counting my Oms, quieting my mind. But nothing seemed to work, so I started watching it - where it was going, what it was thinking, scheming, how it was rationalizing and justifying its own thoughts. My God, it was a cross between a raging fire and a raving monkey - it was swinging from thought to thought to thought until the whole forest was in flames and it still won't stop. My piddly attempts at meditation were like wimpy waterhoses dripping droplets of focus that were no match against the flying inferno that my mind was ferociously following.
If this is how a regular mind works, I'm shocked that I'm not insane yet! Or am I? If I lose myself in my own thoughts, in my very own bottomless pit of snakes, how will I ever crawl out alive? And yet, I don't seem to try to escape.
I do love being alone. I'm not afraid of myself. I think it's a good sign that I crave solitude - this, to me, is indication that I'm not running away from myself. If I'm to continue on this quest for soul, self and solitude, it's all the more imperative that I recognize any poisoning at all, however slow it maybe. Watching my mind helps. Just that alone seems to bring a touch of sanity to my thoughts. Mindfulness somehow seems to be the only thing to stanch the flow of the bitter venom from crawling too far up my veins. Maybe my meager meditations can somehow at least cool down the red tongue's thirst, if not quench it completely? And maybe if I'm mindful of being mindful more often, it can actually reverse the flow? I can only hope.
You're not insane. This is brilliant! I wish I could learn to slow down and listen to my head once in awhile instead of letting life fly by.
ReplyDeleteI don't know Don... sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind! Or battling with my mind and losing. I wish we could learn to live with it instead - and learn to tame it, cool it, soothe it somehow
ReplyDeleteI try and do Jyothi meditation every morning, and it's surprising how the quality can vary even in a regular practice. One day the concentration is smooth and almost effortless, the visualisations present themselves vividly, and the session feels cool and spacious like a dip in the Ganga.
ReplyDeleteAnother day I'm amazed at the recalcitrance of my mind - it is exactly like how you describe. No space between thoughts, just chasing along like a wilful puppy from this fancy to the other, at top speed. Those days, I don't fight the thoughts themselves, just gently bring the mind back to the focus, whether it is the flame or a visualisation. Sometimes the entire session is spent in guiding my mind back to what it's supposed to be doing. Those days the session feels exhausting and lacking in depth, but thanks to Easwaran, I know it is good spadework in training the will/mind, and is still valuable work.
Another trick I have found is that if you do a few rounds of pranayama before beginning to meditate, the breath starts to flow in both nostrils evenly and the mind is automatically quietened and focused, so by the time you start to meditate, it co-operates beautifully.
Mangala, Thank you for your clear perspective on things - I appreciate that very much - especially when I'm struggling to see clearly for myself. I remember when I used to have lovely long meditation sessions a couple of years ago. I really don't understand why I can't do that anymore. I'm kinda surprised to hear your mind wanders around like a puppy in training :) I've heard about Pranayama, but never really tried it. I guess mostly because I don't know much about it, nor do I know how to go about learning it. Any suggestions or recommendations?
ReplyDeleteI learned pranayama in my yoga class, just the very basic things.
ReplyDeleteUsing the left nostril is the chandra(moon) side, which is cooling and conducive to rest, and the right nostril is the surya(sun) side, which is heating, and conducive to action. Usually the majority of your breath is in one nostril, and it alternates with the other nostril in blocks of time throughout the day.
After you do pranayama, the breath starts to move evenly in both nostrils for a while and the mind is also correspondingly centered. That is why it is ideal to do before meditation.
Generally 1 round of pranayama is one inhalation-and-exhalation. I do 3-4 rounds of Chandra Bhedana (Breathe in though the left nostril and out through the right. Allow the exhalation to be longer than the inhalation), 3-4 rounds of Surya Bhedana (Breathe in though the right nostril. Breathe out through the left nostril. Allow the exhalation to be longer than the inhalation.) Lastly, 3-4 rounds of Nadi Shodhana (the last exercise on this page http://www.yogasite.com/pranayama.htm - the hand position to be used to do any pranayama is also mentioned here).
Keep spine erect, and keep the other hand in chin mudra (thumb and forefinger connected in a circle) while doing pranayama.
So that's pranayama 101 in a nutshell :) Pretty simple actually, and hardly takes 5-10 mins.
That does seem easy - almost hard to believe that this would make any difference. But there's obviously a reason why Pranayama is so highly touted. I'll start using it more - Thank you for the detailed directions and the website!
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