It's funny how everything boils down to thoughts - this seems to be the repeating theme in my journal, and yet I fall for the feelings that the thoughts dredge up, I buy into the emotions that the thoughts stir. Contentment and complaints are both products of my thoughts, but time and time again, I link them to my situation and surroundings.
I thought I was content a couple of days ago - everything seemed plain-sailing. And today, even though nothing's changed in my situation or circumstances, there are a few ripples on the surface - all my old dreams of where and how my life "should" be. And I start feeling that old uneasiness that things are not quite right. Two things keep coming up - quitting my job and doing something more contemplative; and living my life in solitude. And because I'm not able to do either of these, I feel like I'm doing something wrong and build up resentment.
Last night I was looking through some of Byron Katie's work to pass along to Mia, and it turns out that I needed to get those messages more than Mia. Byron Katie quickly broke down my "shoulds" into what they really are - just thoughts. My "heart's desire" (her phrase) is still what I want to do, but the discontent caused by my thoughts is what I can do without.
Because these dreams are my my soul's longings, I know it is just a matter of timing when they will come true - whether it's now, a little later, or in a different lifetime. Of course I want it all now, but who am I to question God's timing? He's proven time and time again that His timing is impeccable. But in my own humble way, I'll continue to keep my heart and path open to opportunity, continue to be grateful for what I get, rather than groan about what I don't have. This is my way to contentment, at least for this day.
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