The Fiery, Flaming, Foul Demon

Now that I've sort of calmed down, when I force myself to sit still and close my eyes, I feel the after-effects of an assault by the red eyed demon inside me. I can actually feel its gargoyle like outline - black, thick, slimy - its bulbous eyes popping out of its sockets, its heavy heaviness heaving in the middle of my chest.

It's been ages and ages since I lost my temper quite so uncontrollably. Now that I look back, I'm pleased that I haven't been this angry in a really long time, and I hadn't even realized that - so I guess I should give myself some credit; but right this minute I'm ashamed at how utterly uncontrollable my anger gets sometimes - it's scary! It's like being possessed by a demon with a flaming tongue, a fiery voice, and foul language. To accept that I've been victim to it again makes me sick. And sad. And guilty.

No amount of regret can change what happened. All the words I said are words I let loose, and can't be roped back in. Any apologies I make are merely more words - they can't cancel out anything. But I will go and apologize anyway.

After I wrote the above in my journal, I opened to the next chapter in the book I'm currently reading, and it just so happened to be about anger! Below is an excerpt.

 

"The first stage is simply to become aware... the second stage is working with the feelings that come out of that awareness: our anger, our desire to get even, our desire to hurt those who have hurt us. When our sorrow begins to be as great for what we do to others as for what has been done to us, our practice is maturing. If we are committed to healing, we want to atone. It means to be "at one." We can't wipe out what we have done in the past; we've done it. Guilt doesn't help. Saying that one is sorry - apologizing - is not always atonement either. Though it may be necessary, it may not be enough... The process of atonement goes on for a lifetime. That's what human life is: endless atonement."