The funny thing I'm finding out about these February blues is that I don't mind them. I used to think that there was something wrong with me if I were sad. But now I'm realizing that sadness is simply a state of mind - quite natural, very normal, and mercilessly monotonous. But I don't seem to mind the monotony. I'm able to accept that it's the state of my mind at this time, and if it lasts a month, or more, that's entirely ok.

I think it's a belief that people have that humans should be happy. I know depression could lead to death, but I'm talking about everyday unhappiness. I'm not sure why there should be a condition on humans that they must be happy. Maybe it's that belief I need to start questioning before I buy into it. Now joy - people can find joy in any moment - like waking up and seeing a gorgeous sunrise, or the pleasure of sitting down in front of a fire with a cup of tea at the end of a long cold day. People can find these simple pleasures and simple joys anyday, everyday, even in the middle of being unhappy. Maybe it's the moments of joy and grace and peace that we should hang our hats on, and stop expecting or looking for some faraway promise of happiness.

I'm unhappy and I don't mind it - what a revelation! It makes me feel free, rather than guilty, about this melancholy mood.

It's a lovely thing - questioning my own beliefs. Beliefs that I know not where they came from, didn't know I had them, but so firmly embedded within my belief system that I have a bunch of shoulds and musts based on those beliefs. The higher the walls of shoulds and musts grow, the more I'm trapped within these walls. So my own beliefs are trapping me - this one seems a simple enough belief to let go, but I know there's a build up of hundreds, if not thousands, more that I'm not even aware of. Exhausting to think about, or track them down, so I won't, but it's exhilarating to break one down.

Turning the searchlight of awareness on my own self is a fascinating exercise - it always dredges up interesting things about my own self. I'm miserable and I don't mind it. How about that!