It's one of those days. Middle of the week. Pressure building before the big release. Things flying out at me from everywhere. People being snappy, short, show-offish, bossy - all of them out to prove something, prove they're better than others. But that's my one finger pointing. When I look at the other three fingers pointing at myself, I realize that's exactly what I'm doing - trying to prove my worth, that I'm better, that I can handle the pressure. But in reality, I'm buckling - I want to get out of this job and live a saner life. I'm snapping - all I see is sloppiness, people passing the buck and I get irritated. But when I look at my own work, that's what I'm doing too, for lack of time, just like everyone else.
At the beginning of the week, and the beginning of each day, I start off with good intentions, in my heart and mind, but in real world situations, I lose my heart, forget my mind - so totally that I don't even realize it until after the day is done and I'm looking back at the day to figure out why I'm feeling uneasy. This uneasiness, the slight restlessness, the feeling of being off-centered, is what brings me back to the bigger perspective. I have to switch out my zoom-in lenses to my zoom-out lenses. I need to remind myself that this day-to-day grittiness is what helps the grinder to polish the sharp edges smoother. And as I'm finding out, I have a lot of rough edges!
It's not pleasant being in the polishing tumbler for so long at a time, but that's how life chooses to teach to the not-so-fast learners like me. I'm slow - I don't seem to have the thirst or the enthusiasm of a fresh new student. I seem to go through my life like an old retiree trying to learn a new job - groaning, moaning and complaining. How I wish I could think of a way to lighten up while I'm in a heavy situation. How I wish I could remember to muster up energy and enthusiasm when I'm thrown into a new scene. How I wish I could remind myself at critical times to zoom out and get the big picture. The bigger perspective of how little, how insignificant I am when I look at myself, say from another galaxy. How insignificant is my life and what I do. It's actually a comforting feeling realizing that - knowing that this antsy world around me is just a little short-sighted right now. Life goes on the way life always goes on, whether I zoom in or zoom out. It's my perspective that needs to be adjusted as needed.
My perspective right now is that of gratitude - that the day is done, and I'm in bed, a full night's sleep ahead of me; I'm grateful that this day too did pass, and so will everyday, and every rough edge that I encounter. And if I learn something at the end of the day, then I'm thankful for my lessons, and my teacher, my life. Until then, I'll keep praying for those fancy zoom-out glasses.
love the pictures zooming out!
ReplyDeletehow is your vision of life doing this day ? are you still grateful for the lessons you learned ? have your eyes cleared a bit and you are enjoying your job and your daily life ? are you grateful another day has passed ?
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