What is the image I have of myself? That I'm shy, I mind my own business, I'm short, I don't like to talk much, I'm guilt-ridden, weak, I'm skinny, crooked, I have a scowly face, I react too quickly, I argue too much, sometimes pretty, sometimes awkward, stuck in a well paid job, I have dreams but I don't know how to achieve them.
Just reading about my image makes me feel it's true, but when I think deeper, I realize that I have to tell myself that it's just an illusion - a perception that my mind built up about me based on the outside body and thoughts. But if I disregard the thoughts, the body and the mind, then - who am I? My heart beats fast just thinking this. I am empty. I am thoughtless, mindless, bodyless - I'm nothingness. And that's enough. Why does this make me cry? Are these tears of relief, that I don't have to strive so hard to prove my worth? Are they tears of gratitude, that I can now put down the burden of my image? Who knew these thinner-than-air thoughts could be so heavy? That thoughts have a form more rigid than a solid object? Are they tears of acceptance, that I am enough?
My mind feels threatened when someone (or even myself) sees me differently than my image of myself. I actually don't even know how others see me. Even if they do tell me, or hint to me, what they think of me, I don't think I listen to them, take it in or change my opinion. I either promptly forget or totally disregard what they said, or try to fix their image of me. That's how strong and rigid my mind is of my image. Even though the image is imperfect, I still stick to it rather than change it. How sad is that?
So rather than try to fix my image (because it can never be made perfect), I think it's best that I try to de-solidify it, thaw it, melt it, make it thinner, lighter, more transparent. The only way this seems possible is to be constantly watching my mind, and not let it buy into, and hang onto, the solid particles of my thoughts so tightly; but to recognize and dwell instead on the spaces between them.
You should change the about me column:) loved the post,we all have an image of ourselves in our heads I think.
ReplyDeleteyou are sensitive to others sensible to to all around you. you are somewhat shy but very strong innerself especially spiritually. you recognize self less ess in others and have very intelligent wy of putting perspectives.
ReplyDeletesairam aunty