Saiisha - 0 / Universe - 1

So I'm still unhappy - I think - that's what it feels like anyway, based on the lack of joy, smiles or laughter in me. I'm pushing myself to find laughter, something to smile about, but it feels forced. And pretty quickly I'm back to my new norm - one of the 50 shades of unhappiness - sadness, sorrow, grief, melancholy, distress, unease, disappointment, depression - no matter how many different names I find for my ugh feelings, they're all the same - unhappiness.

Unhappy about dashed dreams, not getting my way, resentful of life, resisting of life itself. Life gives me lemons but I don't want to make lemonade - I find excuses - that the lemons are rotten, the weather is wintry, or that I'll only make lemonade when I get the perfect summer weather and the perfect lemons. So I keep putting off my happiness and any ability for happiness to a later date - for when the weather changes, when the stars line up, or when the sun orbits around me. It's not going to happen, and yet I resist. I stand stubbornly stuck where I am, and try to oppose the sun, the stars and any smiles they try to bring me.

How do I break this streak of stubbornness? How do I give up my resistance and be more welcoming and open to what the universe wants to bring me? It would have been easier if the universe brought me what I wanted, but if there's anyone more stubborn than I am, it's the universe. It only wants to bring me what I NEED to learn my lessons, not what I WANT to get my own way.  So we're at a stalemate - the universe and I - each stuck in our own space.

I think I know who's going to win this round (and every round), but I keep trying anyway. If I wanted to win, I should have picked someone my own size!