From Chaos to Contentment

Ruin is good. Ruin is the road to transformation.

-- Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love (the movie)

I stumbled onto Eat Pray Love last night as I was flipping channels to watch something while folding laundry. The book's better than the movie, but it's been a while since I read the book or watched the movie, and Julia Roberts is easy to watch, so I settled down and watched it all over again. And like all good books and movies, each time I go back to them, I pick up on things that I hadn't noticed before.

Last night, watching EPL I realized I had missed the entire section where she visits the ruins of old Rome, specifically the Augusteum, a mausoleum built by Emperor Octavian Augustus, but now it's the quietest spot in Rome, where homeless people use it as a bathroom.

(Photo credit: Madeline Earhart; visit her at: madelineearhart.blogspot.com) 

As Liz Gilbert says in her book, Augustus probably would never have imagined such ruin to come to Rome. She says, "To me, the Augusteum is like a person who’s led a totally crazy life- who maybe started out as a housewife, then unexpectedly became a widow, then took up fan dancing to make money, ended up somehow as the first female dentist in outer space, then tried her hand at national politics- yet who has managed to hold an intact sense of herself throughout the upheaval." Rome has transformed itself into many things over the years, but to this day, it has remained a vibrant, vigorous, vivacious city, brimming with vitality.

This story, more than anything else, struck a chord with me last night - the story that I had completely missed the first time. I remembered how, just when I thought my life was falling apart 4 years ago, my marriage, my job, I started floating above it all, like I was placed on a pillowy, billowy cloud so I couldn't feel the bumps in the ride. As it turned out, that period, a period of about 3 years, was when I was able to touch the divine, feel the nature, follow the universe. That period transformed me from the inside out. I was almost so out of it that I didn't know what was going on with my marriage and my job, and why. I sort of left them on the sidelines to manage themselves. I had probably given up on them both, knowing it was just a matter of time before I lost them both.

But I needed that shake-up. I needed to be woken up from my small, self-centered world, to be able to look around outside me, get the big picture, appreciate what I have rather than bemoan what I was losing. Once I flipped that switch, it quite literally felt like a light shone down on me. Everything seemed new, fresh, alive. I went around my days in a glazy-eyed-daze, soaking in like a sponge, every experience, every book, every morsel of food, everyday, rain, sun, or snow, like a child seeing it all for the first time. It truly was a transformative time in my life.

And then slowly the light seems to have dimmed, faded, and gently I've been put down back on the earth. Even though I now consciously try to find those moments of joy, my life is pretty normal, no ethereal fireworks. Then, to my surprise, more than anyone else's, my small family is trying to heal again, and my boss tells me he's considering a promotion for me. Whether these promises will follow through or fall through, only time will tell, but for now, I'm content. Even this contentment is a new experience, a slow joy, if there was a thing like that.

I bet whoever's reading this, has read EPL, or at least watched the movie. I'm not sure if you remember any of it now, but share your comments if you do. Thanks for reading!