A Leak in the Boat of Contentment

In the middle of this smooth sailing contentment with where my boat's going in the job and family waters, I have a sinking feeling that something in me is dying. It's like I know there's a slow leak somewhere and I'm panicking inside, but I don't know what to do to patch it, or how to handle it. My immediate reaction is to ignore it, hoping it will go away. But in the back of my nagging mind, I know it's not going away until I deal with it. Now how to deal with something I don't know is what's bothering me.

Should I let the hole get bigger, and let it sink the boat? Should I be ready for a loss of identity, loss of direction? Should I stop worrying, surrender to the flow? Should I hold onto my central rudder tight, knowing that it will keep me afloat? Should I stop panicking, stop running after every idea, thought and worry that my mind is churning up into a whirlpool? I need to somehow get into the eye of this whirlpool so I don't get churned around with it in the periphery.

I need to find ways to spend as much time as I can in my center, in the present, and let the past and the future take care of themselves. I hope I can learn to distinguish between the messages that are coming from my center versus those churned out by my mind. Somehow I need to stay strong, not get blown away and apart into smithereens. Somehow I have to know and believe that I'm staying true to my core, staying integral to my inner self. I'll have to fend myself against guilty feelings, pleasing people, playing nice - these are the ploys my mind employs, and I need to be consciously aware of them.

I need to find a way to tell my soul and my mind apart, not just in a general context, but every minute of every day - by their language, their messages, the feelings and emotions they evoke in me, the sense of trueness vs. falseness. These are what I need to watch out for, until the rocking stops. Integrity is my word of the year 2011 and hopefully for the rest of my life, and I need to stay strong to support my resolution.